Tom Wilson 23rd December 2018
Every year, Christmas comes around, and every year I wonder. Not about what veg I’ll be having on my Christmas dinner, or what presents I might be blessed with. No, I always find myself wondering, “Which Christmas icon has the potential to be the WWE World Champion?”
If you too have ever wanted to match up the icons of Christmas and pit them off against each other like some sadistic, Christmas-themed, gladiatorial nightmare, then first of all, you’re probably just as weird as I am, and secondly, you’re in luck.
For Christmas this year, forget the food, forget the presents, forget the time off work; we’re giving you the best gift of all: it’s Christmas Fight Club time! Except the first rule of this Fight Club is make sure you tell all your friends to read this article. Seriously.
Jack Frost VS Belsnickel
Starting off at the bottom of the undercard… In the blue corner: weighing in at 0 degrees Celsius, all the way from Michael Keaton’s nightmares… it’s Jack Frost. With a number of Jack Frost portrayals to choose from, we’ve gone for the one that has the ability to take leaves off the trees and turn Autumn into Winter, so don’t worry Michael Keaton — you are safe.
In the red corner: all the way from Scranton Pennsylvania via medieval southern Germany, he’s kinda like Santa but worse and dirty… it’s Belsnickel. Now, you may be wondering who or what the fuck is a Belsnickel. Made famous by Dwight in the US Office, Belsnickel is a slightly racist gift-giving figure originating from German folklore.
Belsnickel does have an advantage, due to the weird-looking whip he carries with him and the skull-protection offered by that bird’s nest hat. However, it’s hard to look past Jack Frost’s abilities to literally change the earth’s seasons. It’s difficult to not side with someone who can freeze things when all his opponent can do is judge whether you are impish or admirable. I’m going with Jack Frost on this one.
Bad Santa VS The Snowman
In the second fight of this thrilling (yes, thrilling, shut up) fight night… In the red corner: he’s lean, he’s mean, he’ll rob your store! His character was probably created by using the character of Marv from Home Alone as a template. It’s Bad Santa.
In the blue corner: he’s lucky this fight is going on in Winter otherwise he wouldn’t exist! From the bottom of the garden and the imagination of a small child… It’s the Snowman. You know, from the popular children’s picture book? First published in 1978? The big fucking snowman that steals that kid and flies around? That’s the one.
Tough call. On one hand, we have what is essentially just a normal human, dressed as a drunk Santa. On the other hand, we have someone who doesn’t have hands. Bad Santa could bring a hairdryer to try and melt The Snowman, while a bottle of whiskey would probably be enough to defeat Bad Santa. I think I’m going to go with The Snowman. And no, it’s not because he can fly– it’s because he steals a child without breaking the smile on his face, so imagine what evil he is truly capable of when shit gets real.
The Grinch VS Ebenezer Scrooge
Next up: he’s the man I aspire to be! He’ll steal your Christmas tree and befriend a small girl. (A lot of these Christmas films have a lot of the same, creepy plot points huh?) It’s the Grinch!
His opponent in the blue corner: fresh from kicking the shit out of the poor, it’s Ebenezer Scrooge. We’re going to have to go with one of the many real-life portrayals of this Christmas baddie, because Jim Carrey couldn’t fight himself — although we all wish he could, right?
The Grinch would certainly have the edge over Scrooge in terms of pre-fight trash talk. The guy is sassy af. But all signs point to Scrooge in this one. Losing isn’t a possibility when you have the Ghosts of Fighting Past, Present and Future on your side.
Kevin McCallister VS Buddy the Elf
This fight was originally scheduled to be the first of the night, but the organisers realised Kevin would need a few hours to get all of his booby traps set up around the ring. It’s only fair.
In the blue corner: he’s hated by his parents, he only eats cheese pizza and he wants to know if this toothbrush is approved by the American Dental Association. It’s Kevin McCallister.
His opponent is a Christmas favourite. He’s a grown man who dresses as an elf and has the mind of a child. He’s in love, he’s in love and he doesn’t care who knows it! It’s Buddy the Elf.
Normally, a fight between a grown man and a child would seem like it could only go in favour of the grown man, but the big “L” next to Peter Dinklage’s name on Buddy’s fight history serves as a reminder that height and reach are not everything. Meanwhile, Kevin has already defeated two grown men on two separate occasions. Fighting one will be a walk in the park for him. Although the last time he walked in the park he was spooked by that pigeon lady, so this fight could go either way.
Jesus VS Santa
It’s now time for your main event. I’s the match-up you’ve all been waiting for. In the red corner, we have the ultimate gift-giver. He knows when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows exactly what Jason and Uncle Bryne did on that fishing trip, and I honestly just wish he would tell me. It’s Santa Claus.
His opponent in the blue corner is the creator of Christmas and literally the son of God. All he wants for Christmas is to die for your sins. Jesus Christ, it’s Jesus Christ!
Any fans of fighting know that the one who is taller and heavier should have an advantage inside the ring, which gives Santa the edge. But let’s not forget Jesus can fly. Santa is somewhat magic — he can fit down tight chimneys and sneak around houses undetected. But Jesus has the power of resurrection.
On one hand, we have the man who created this holiday — the reason we all sit by a tree and eat turkey. On the other hand, we have the new kid on the block who reinvented Christmas and made us all spend hundreds of pounds on gifts for the people we love.
If I side with Santa, all the Christians will hate me. If I side with Jesus, all the kids in the world will hate me. I can’t say with any certainty who I think would win this fight, but can’t we all just be glad I didn’t consider John McClain for this? That would be a bloodbath.
Tom Wilson 23rd December 2018