"You call that a f***ing Christmas tree?!"

We rated towns' Christmas trees in the style of Gordon Ramsay

17th December 2018

Christmas trees when they’re done right can light up a room, a building or even a city centre. Everyone has their own style; tinsel or no tinsel, angel or star. No single tree is going to look perfect to everyone.

But one thing that everyone can agree on is that nobody likes a poorly decorated Christmas tree. Decorating a Christmas tree takes time. If people are coming into your home, you best believe they will judge you on your Christmas tree. Similarly, if you were entering a city centre, you might judge that city on how their Christmas tree looks.

Nobody wants to be told their Christmas tree looks shit. Nobody likes to be told their food looks shit either but Gordon Ramsay has built a career on slagging off other people’s hard work. With that in mind, I’m going to pretend I know anything at all about Christmas trees and rate them just like my hero, the master of unconstructive criticism, Gordon Ramsay.

Bristol Temple Meads railway station

We’re in Bristol to start with, and the first thing we can tell from this tree is that they can’t afford proper baubles. Is that paper? If the rest of the city is anything to go by, I really hope the people are wearing clothes and not walking around in paper bags. This tree looks like a big, shit, car air-freshener. One thing that is good about this tree is the fence around it. I just wish they built it taller… and out of bricks so nobody could see the tree.

Leeds city centre

Leeds city centre’s tree is opposite the train station. It’s the first thing you see when arriving into Leeds. God bless anyone who’s going to Leeds this Christmas. Surely the first rule of decorating a Christmas tree is to use matching decorations and place them on the tree in some sort of symmetrical pattern.

Did they let a child decorate this? Those candles look like they were rejected from the Hogwarts ceiling. Maybe they should have taken Harry’s invisibility cloak instead. And who places their lights vertically? Utter shit. My nan could decorate this tree better, and she’s dead.

Birmingham city centre

A Christmas tree isn’t a Christmas tree without a pointy top, on which you can place an angel or a star. I have never seen a Christmas tree in the shape of a Christmas pudding before. I bet the angel on top wishes it could fly away. But then again, I bet everyone in Birmingham wishes they could fly away too. There are so many stars on the tree, there’s none left for the fucking sky.

Liverpool ONE shopping centre

I actually really like this one. Not as a tree but as a beacon for the Power Puff Girls. It’s not all bad. At least it’s going to attract a lot of people into Liverpool. Sorry, did I say people? I meant moths, the stupidest bastard in all the insect kingdom.

House of Commons

This tree is an obvious metaphor for how disappointing British politics is. This tree is probably the only thing in the House of Commons that actually leans to the left. That star is brighter than this country’s future, perhaps they’re hoping to blind us so we can’t see what a terrible fucking state they’ve put this country in. What a load of shit. They’ve completely given up the pretence of doing a good job at anything, let alone decorating the fucking tree.

17th December 2018