Ben Sledge 23rd March 2018
Everybody has problems. Weird problems, secret problems, or relatable problems; we all have them. Except for the Royals though, probably? Bloody Royals. Surely they live in an impossibly blissful world of clouds and palaces and chauffeurs and private planes? Apparently not. Writer Tom Bower has released an unauthorised biography of Prince Charles, and brings the truth to light about how hard it is for the man who would be king.
Prince Charles lives a life that may seem lavish and excessive, to you and me — the plebs — but it would seem the halls of Buckingham Palace are unfit for purpose. Bower reported that the good Prince complained: “Even my office is not the right temperature. Why do I have to put up with this? It makes my life so unbearable.”
You really have to feel for him. There is literally nothing worse than an office that’s slightly too stuffy, or one that’s too cold. You never know, the plumbers at Buck Pal might be as unreliable as they are for the rest of us. One in three Brits were worried about being able to afford their winter energy bills last year, and the Prince must be able to understand that, sat in his slightly-too-warm office. If only he had the power, money, or influence to do something about their plight…
As we all are aware, Charlie’s mother the Queen, is properly old (91!) and it is almost inevitable that at some point in the next decade Charles will ascend to the throne, through death or abdication. The mantle of future King, however, already weighs heavy on his shoulders, like Simba in the Lion King, but more of a twat.
I bet he wishes he could do a Simba and run away from all his kingly responsibilities, to sing ditties in the jungle with a warthog and a meerkat. But then again, Wills and Harry have got their own families now, so they might not be up for it.
He’s been a fully grown adult male human for more than half a century and he still refers to his mother as ‘mama’
Apparently, the Prince was livid when he learned the Greater London Authority would be taking control of the royal parks in London. But who wouldn’t be? Imagine handing over the control of ALL your personal London parks to Boris Fucking Johnson.
“Boris is taking over the royal parks?” the biography alleges he screamed. “Why have you given the royal parks to Boris?”
“The Queen agreed,” replied Cameron.
‘What? Mama down the road? What does she know about the royal parks?’”
A few things to unpack here. First of all, Charles is very much an adult. It’s hard to imagine someone who is more of an adult than Prince Charles. He’s been an adult for longer than colour television has been a thing. He’s been a fully grown adult male human for more than half a century and he still refers to his mother in this way. Not right is it, that?
Also imagine calling The Actual Queen “Mama down the road”. Interestingly His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales (Charlie to his mates) lives in Clarendon House, next door to the Queen, so we can only assume that it is due to the sheer size of their houses that one must go “down the road” to get to the next house along. Hard, this life thing, innit?
Charles is very specific about his gardening, which is probably why he threw a paddy when his mum let Boris have control of them
Back to the parks. The average UK garden is 14m squared, not including balconies or window boxes, and people can get really proud of their gardens. So just imagine for a minute, letting Boris Johnson have control over your small suburban garden, let alone your countless acres of sprawling greenery spread across the city of London. Imagine what he’d do to them. He could fill them with a thousand frogs or turn them into sausage factories. Imagine Boris Johnson, almost certainly naked from the waste-down, rolling around all over those nice colourful flowers your grandma put in for you. You wouldn’t like it, would you?
Charles is very specific about his gardening, which is probably why he threw a paddy when his mum let Boris have control of them. You see, the Prince has a sensitive side. He has a hatred of pesticides, necessitating four gardeners to “lie flat, nose down on a trailer” and pick weeds. This not only stimulates economic growth by employing so many gardeners, but his refusal to use pesticides aids wildlife, and promotes a healthy ecosystem.
He is also kind enough to employ “retired Indian servicemen … deployed to prowl through the undergrowth at night with torches and handpick slugs from the plants of leaves”. Even us norms, living in council-owned blocks of flats or cheap and shitty terraced houses with no gardens, can imagine what a struggle it must be to keep your acres of foliage in check without a legion of gardeners.
The biggest Empirical stereotype of all is the fact that his gardeners are apparently exclusively retired Indian servicemen. Now that is a bit weird. But, when you really think about it, you can’t really blame him for fondly remembering the days when his family had more power, more influence, and more slaves.
Charles took the 500 mile round trip on the royal train to go to the pub, at a cost of £18,916
Charles, like anyone, enjoys a stiff drink at the end of the week. He’s just like the rest of us, honest. And sometimes, those nights can get out of hand, and when all the contactless payments hit Santander in two days’ time, the hangover hits all over again, but this time it’s a headache made entirely of regret.
So Prince Charles has had a hard week of getting other people to do his gardening and sitting for portraits. Standard shit, y’know? Prince Charles is thoroughly pooped. All he wants is a nice crisp pint, or a glass of red. Just like the rest of us. But his favourite pub is bloody miles away.
Charles deserves a treat though. He’s worked hard this week. So good old Charles took the 500-mile round trip on the royal train to go to the pub, at a cost of £18,916. Just like the rest of us. In his defence, there was an Uber surge charge at the time.
These are problems that all of us face and really shows that the royals are no different to us ordinary people, with the same interests and the same problems. Like, when holidaying abroad, as just under half of Britons can afford to do, don’t you hate those uncomfortable airline seats?
Bower gave us a delightful extract from Prince Charles’s personal journal: “It took me some time to realise … that this was not first class (!) although it puzzled me as to why the seat seemed so uncomfortable. Such is the end of Empire, I sighed to myself.” Fucking hell. Heartbreaking stuff. Hate it when that happens.
We at The Overtake would like to personally thank Bower for showing us that the royal family aren’t the out-of-touch cunts we always thought they were, but are actually down-to-earth and face the same problems as joe public (yes, that’s us!).
Who doesn’t take two ornate paintings of the Scottish Highlands when they go to stay at their mate’s house
Irrespective of the fact Bower, a self-confessed committed monarchist (no, I’m serious), describes Prince Charles as “like some feudal lord”, I feel that Bower has portrayed him as a perfectly reasonable man, in touch with society and facing real, everyday, problems. Aren’t we all just feudal lords pottering around centuries-old priceless palaces all day waiting for our mothers to die so we can inherit one of the largest fortunes in Europe and stake our birthright to rule victorious over the former colonies of a once-great empire?
After all, who doesn’t take two ornate paintings of the Scottish Highlands when they go to stay at their mate’s house? That’s just your standard fare, isn’t it?
Perhaps unsurprisingly, Clarence House has stated that no comment will be issued on the allegations made in the book.
Just our little tip though for Mr Bower, try to avoid driving through any tunnels for the foreseeable future.
Ben Sledge 23rd March 2018