It's the most fucked up time of the year

22nd December 2018

Ahhh, Christmas… A time to gather with our loved ones and embrace the spirit of joy and happiness. Heart-warming.

But, amidst this orgy of yuletide merriment, it can be easy to overlook the fact that the festive season also provides some fantastically fucked up nuggets of news.

Step inside our festive odditorium to celebrate 18 Christmas tales that prove it’s a bloody weird life in 2018.

Baby Jesus and the inflatable sex-sheep

Scottish mum Helen Cox almost made an X-rated addition to her five-year-old son’s nativity play this year when she sent him to school with a shepherd costume purchased from Amazon, not realising the outfit included a blow-up sheep sex doll.

At first, Ms Cox was perplexed when a teacher told him to take the sheep home — until she blew it up herself, that is. Once inflated, the animal proudly displayed a hole in its derriere (for obvious purposes), as well as bright red lipstick and come-hither eyelashes.

And to think the only nativity prop Eighties and Nineties kids had was a plastic doll (usually one that peed) posing as the Messiah.

The gran, the nativity and the dismembered body parts

If you think sex-sheep are the strangest possible addition to the nativity, meet 71-year-old grandmother Maureen Wall.

The retired church volunteer aroused suspicion when police discovered what appeared to be severed limbs strewn across the kitchen table of her Nottinghamshire home.

Yet, like most good Christmas tales, the story had a happy (well, brilliantly bizarre) ending as the body parts, in fact, belonged to mannequins Wall had bought to use as props in a church Christmas display.

“[The police officer] was shocked, but relieved when she saw what it was,” Wall said in the Metro.

“She said nobody at the police station would ever believe her.”

Cursing Kris Kringle

A foul-mouthed Father Christmas impersonator made headlines when he reportedly told 50 children to “get the fuck out” of a Christmas party in St Ives, Cambridgeshire.

As a fire alarm sounded, he sprung from his grotto, ripped off his beard and launched an expletive-ridden rant against the assembled cherubs.

While St Nick may have had good intentions, the alarm was found to originate from a nearby building, forcing the organisers to apologise to enraged parents.

Get your own name on that naughty list, Santa.

South Park and the C word

The creators of South Park caused a festive storm this year by dropping the C-bomb in the final episode of its 22nd season… without bleeping it.

According to The Hollywood ReporterSaint Nick himself utters the controversial word when he arrives in town, but can’t deliver any presents because the Amazon factory has closed.

Perhaps this most recent development is no surprise in the show responsible for Mr Hankey, the Christmas Poo.

Santa causes gridlock

A blow-up Santa caused traffic to be delayed in both directions on the B198 in Cambridgeshire after breaking free from a nearby front garden, the BBC reports.

Frustrating as the delay may have been, it also led to what may be the most wonderfully absurd update in the history of the AA, which reported the road was “partially blocked [with] slow traffic due to a large inflatable Santa”.

Penis-shaped fairy lights

Deck the balls…

Apologies for the terrible pun, but some stories wouldn’t be complete without a touch of testicular wordplay… like that of this semi-detached house in Reading, Berkshire.

Earlier this month, the property unveiled its Christmas decorations in the shape of a giant flashing penis, the inews reports. Needless to say, the sight raised more than a few eyebrows among locals.

“It was quite a shock,” says resident Stephen Bailey-Todd. “When you walk home you don’t expect to come face to face with an enormous penis.” Indeed you don’t.

Don’t piss off Hull’s OAPs

If you think about it, the mythology of Christmas hinges on the premise of an elderly stranger sneaking into your home under cover of darkness and this story is no exception.

According to the Hull Daily Mail, Dan Hubbert awoke one morning to find the Christmas lights in his garden had been cut down during the night. Checking his CCTV, he discovered blurry footage apparently exposing an elderly woman as the saboteur.

Was it the constant flashing lights or too many Christmas sherries that drove this twilight trespasser to petty crime? Perhaps we’ll never know…

Satan or Santa?

Forget letters to the North Pole, this Christmas season led to the exchange of hate mail between two neighbours in Louisiana, US.

When author Diana Rowland decorated her front garden with festive dragons, an unimpressed neighbour penned a note warning the display “makes your neighbours wonder if you are involved in a demonic cult”.

In protest, Rowland launch a spectacular Twitter tirade protesting her “judgy-mcjudgeface” neighbour — and added more dragons.

Diana, you’re our Christmas heroine.

We need to talk about Kevin McCallister

Get excited. The Nineties kid we all wanted to be is making a comeback just in time for Christmas.

Earlier this week, Home Alone star Macaulay Culkin sent Twitter into meltdown with the revelation that he is reprising the role of pre-pubescent crime fighter Kevin McCallister at the age of 38.

Starring in an ad for Google Assistant, Culkin recreates some of the film’s most iconic scenes, such as jumping on his bed, ordering pizza and setting traps for the Wet Bandits — this time using the power of the internet to save the day.

Hey, it might not be the feature film we were hoping for, but we’re older and more tech savvy now so we’ll take Kevin any way we can get him.

As our hero loved to tell his enemies back in 1990: merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.

Neighbours at war

And it seems neighbourly relations are no more cordial across the pond on Byron Road in New Milton, New Hampshire.

Every Christmas, Britain’s “most festive street” hosts a massive display of twinkling fairy lights, and the event can raise more than £70,000 for charities.

Sounds magical, right? Not all the neighbours would agree, according to reports in The Daily Telegraph. This year, around half the street decided to leave their homes in darkness to protest the closure of the road and hoards of tourists descending on the area.

Fancy a 12 incher?

Pigs in blankets — you can’t get enough of this festive favourite. Or at least ASDA, Aldi and M&S seem to think so.

This year, all three chains announced plans to sell foot-long portions of these Christmas treats.

If you’re struggling to visualise how big a foot is, think one fifth the reported height of Dolly Parton… or the size of Grimsby’s temporary Christmas tree.

An eruption of melted chocolate

If you don’t believe in Christmas magic, you clearly haven’t visited Werl in western Germany of late.

According to local newspaper reports, more than 25 fire-fighters were called earlier this month when a ton of molten chocolate coated the streets following a leak at the DreiMeister candy factory.

Clearing up the sticky mess from cracks and gaps in the road required blow torches and power hoses.

Willy Wonka couldn’t have planned it better himself.

The UK’s shittest Christmas tree (or the most awesome)?

Perhaps the disgruntled residents of Byron Road ought to consider a move to Grimsby.

As is tradition, the town received a 43-ft Christmas tree as a gift from Sortland in Norway, but the tree soon began to wilt, forcing the council to promptly dispose of it.

Soon after, a local prankster decided to put a replacement novelty tree in the same spot — this time standing at just 12 inches tall.

As proof of our love of festive absurdities, the novelty item attracted more media attention and visitors to Grimsby than the original ever did.

The UK’s least appetising Christmas dinner?

Alas, not all culinary tales are guaranteed to set the taste buds watering.

Devon couple Jim Alexander and Betina Bradshaw caught the public’s attention when they announced plans for a yuletide meal made entirely from road kill, The Metro reports.

Alexander, who butchers the meat in the couple’s home, claims he has already discovered more than 50 animal corpses in 2018, including deer, pheasants and badger.

While Bradshaw is on board with this festive tucker, her boyfriend’s taste for roadkill has led her family to jokingly refer to him as a “serial killer”. No awkwardness at the family dinner table there, then.

And for dessert…

If you’re struggling to imagine a less appetising dish than roadkill, how about the Brussels sprouts ice cream launched by Aberdeen parlour Mackie’s 19.2?

“It’s the dream ice cream for brave sprout lovers,” said manager Yvette Harrison. “We’ve even had some customers saying it goes really well with bacon!”

We’ll take their word for it on that, Yvette.

Sod Christmas jumpers, dress up your bum…

Come the festive season, many of us hang a wreath on our front door, but have you considered giving your, ahem, back door the same treatment?

Christmas Jumpers
Christmas jumpers: no longer quite Christmas-y enough, apparently 📷 Philafrenzy

Online influencer Davison recently hosted a tutorial instructing fans on the art of creating a “cheeky wreath” or “Christmass”.

All you need is a pair of trousers with a hole in the rear end, which you can then decorate.

…or your nipples

Lift up your shirt and glance down at your nipples. Do they lack a certain festive pizzazz?

Fear not: online retailer Boohoo has launched a range of green and red tinsel wreaths to cover the nipples — for the bargain price of £3.75.

Go on, wear them to your office Christmas party. We dare you.

Tis the season to be spiteful

If you work in retail, raise a glass to Sarah Belanger Demaneuf this Christmas.

This former shop worker in the US shared a picture of her favourite Christmas ornament on Facebook. “Rather than symbolize peace and goodwill, as it should, it symbolises vengeance and spite,” she wrote.

Belanger Demaneuf went on to explain that while she’d been working in a shop that sold these ornaments for 50 cents, “a terrible woman” attempted to buy four, but only wanted to pay 25 cents each.

When Sarah refused, the customer vowed to return the next day. Having none of it, Sarah proceeded to buy all the coveted baubles in both her own shop and neighbouring branches.

The following morning, Sarah had her moment of festive joy when her rival returned, as promised. “I had the pleasure of telling her that all of the star ornaments in North Alabama had been sold to one customer. The look on her face was worth every penny.”

Thank Christ 2018 is over

So, as the weirdness that was 2018 draws to a close, all we can do is hope things look up in 2019.

If you’re searching for spiritual guidance during the next 12 months, the Nuns Having Fun calendar could be the answer to your prays.

Inside, you’ll find 24 photos to celebrate “the joyfully unexpected side of convent life”, including one sister doing an Irish jig and another astride a motorbike.

Good on you, ladies.

22nd December 2018